Archive for June, 2017

Learning to live with ghosts

Posted in Uncategorized on June 28, 2017 by heavymetalspey

Scattered so far. Time is a vicious animal that should be respected.

I’ve been stuck on this chunk of land for months, I thought it would be easier the longer I went, To forget it all, or at least the parts that broke the worst. Everything reminded me of the river, and our boat. In the end, the boat had a thousand small holes, it’s so hard to remember where and when we collected the first. An apology for everyone, still didn’t hold water so the water still rose. I took what was left of the boat and ran it aground, too afraid to leave it until it was completely gone from the incoming tide. I had plans of taking it far, at least half as far as you deserved, we had nothing but time. In all of these, I failed you. For weeks I lived on the handful of planks that were left. clung to them as if i was lost at sea. Slowly they sunk into the earth and I was alone. I would close my eyes and see work that should have been done, when my eyes opened all I could focus on was my beaten hands covered in blood. Rebuilding is difficult, I worry that any time will never be as perfect as the first. I remember how sweet it all was, even the difficult work tasted as sweet as the dried sweat from your neck. So many memories, Goddamn the difficulty of it all. It was our boat. So fast and wild and for so long, impenetrable. I’m beginning to come to terms with the fact that no matter what, the one that made us what we are, at least the grown and well worn parts, can never be made identical. So long without repair, maybe I thought i would fix them all at once, Late in the season when the water was too dark and cold. I’ve collected parts and I’ve always kept the tools, now I need to remember the assembly of it all. Otherwise, I feel like I will surely die slowly on this island, on my knees in the mud, watching roots and weeds crawl up through my hands, pushing those old planks back up through the earth. Some things are meant to stay buried, but I love the river.

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